The Jacuzzi

After stress in Venice I decided to relax in the Jacuzzi. I’m still getting used to my bionic eye so, up to my neck in bubbles, I decided to practice by reading the Health & Safety Notice. The author had missed the one about “Prolonged use may rust your wheelchair” but apart from that he’d put together a list of restrictions to make any Health and Safety Officer salivate.

Some restrictions were quite reasonable. “Do not use the Jacuzzi if you are suffering from diarrhoea” seemed to be the sort of rule that most people would support. Similarly “Do not use the Jacuzzi if you are vomiting” is the sort of minor restriction on personal freedom that can benefit a large number of people. Some rules however were more questionable. “Do not use the Jacuzzi if you are under the influence of drugs that can raise or lower your blood pressure” would probably prevent half the passengers using the facility - if it could ever be enforced. “Hello Hello – would you mind stepping out of that Jacuzzi Sir, I have reason to believe you’ve been popping Beta-Blockers.” “Don’t try to deny it sir, there’s not a trace of hypertension about you”.

In the bad rules category was the instruction not to use the Jacuzzi if you are taking various allergy tablets. Personally I think something that stops people sneezing in a Jacuzzi is a really good idea, particularly when they might not have read the rule about diarrhoea.

The notice ended with “In case of emergency dial 999” – Honestly, no kidding. Can you imagine the response? “Send an ambulance to Venice Sir? Sorry we don’t cover that area anymore – It’s the cuts.” But maybe - just maybe - not. “OK Sir I’m putting you through to International Rescue.” As you speak somewhere, halfway across the world, the top would start to slide off a mountain and Thunderbird One would blast off full of Jacuzzi rescue equipment.

Except, of course, you know it can’t be like that anymore. By now Tracy Island Ltd must have employed management consultants who will have advised them to outsource everything apart from their core business. It will be “Hello Sir and welcome to International Rescue – Press 1 for Mine shafts, 2 for Jacuzzis....”...... “Sorry but none of our specialist rescue advisors are available at the moment, will you please hold on, particularly if you pressed 3 for Cliff face”...... “Your rescue is important to us and whilst you are waiting we will play you some Thunderbirds music” ......“Dum diddle dum dum dum, Dum dum diddle dum dum dum”

Dave C